When Was the Last Time You Were Genuinely Happy and At Peace In Your Body and Mind?
During my initial encounter with client’s, I often find they’ve worked hard at navigating their presenting problems before they end up in my office. For some, after trying to apply the same strategies repeatedly they end up feeling defeated, hopeless, and out-of-control. Often physiological symptoms such as anxiety, depression, sadness, and loneliness, are a result of being disconnected from our needs and trying to numb out the discomfort and pain of feeling stuck in cycles of perpetual frustration and disappointment. One of the first questions I ask my clients is, “When was the last time you felt genuinely happy and at peace in your mind and body?” It’s a loaded question, I know, but it almost always gives me a realistic perspective of how long it’s been since the client has been genuinely fulfilled and at peace in their life. It also helps me gauge whether my clients are aware of their needs. When we dig into the question it often opens the door for clients to think back to what was going well in their lives when they felt their best both physically and emotionally. Experiencing hardship in life is a natural and normal part of the human experience but feeling like no matter how hard you try you’re coming up short can feel incredibly frustrating and isolating. If you feel “stuck” in perpetual cycles of unwanted emotions, relationships, or behaviors, three questions you can use as a starting point to help you recalibrate and start to understand yourself a little better are:
1.) What are my needs? I like to divide needs into 7 different categories with my clients. It sounds like a lot, but our sense of safety and belonging are intrinsically connected to each area. Identify your needs in the areas of your emotional, social, relational, financial, physical, spiritual, and occupational life. Looking at the quality of your health and confidence in these seven areas might help you identify a meaningful starting point. Once you identify an area of need, grab a pen and paper, and get specific about where you feel disconnected or “stuck”. Getting specific, being mindful about the quality of your health in each area and shifting your focus towards what’s within your control to change is the first step in identifying your needs.
2.) What am I avoiding? Often, we avoid uncomfortable, painful, and challenging parts of our lives because we don’t have the tools to navigate change. Identifying and getting very specific about what you are avoiding is a crucial part of getting “unstuck” from cycles of self-sabotage, rumination, and unwanted behaviors. Often, I hear clients share that they feel stuck because no matter what they have tried they aren’t able to maintain health or consistency in a challenging part of their life. Whatever you avoid dealing with will inevitably create stress and disconnection in another area of your life. For example, if you avoid having a difficult conversation in close relationship, the physiological expression of stress, hurt, and disconnection does not just “go away” because you have avoided the conflict. Instead, the physiological expression of that negative energy is redirected to another area of your life resulting in secondary and tertiary challenges in areas where we previously had no concern. Avoidance often creates a more heightened nervous system which can make us more reactionary, anxious, and threatened. Getting clear on what specifically you are avoiding and why is going to help you understand yourself and what actions are going to be effective in creating meaningful change in your life.
3.) What are my values? One of the most challenging realizations to face when we’re stuck in feelings of depression, anxiety, and loneliness is that sometimes our behavior is not in alignment with our values. Knowing and understanding your values is an important part of building confidence, self-worth, and maintaining healthy relationships in your personal and professional life. People who have confidence in their values as an individual tend to exhibit a personality that is resilient, flexible, and calm. They also tend to be less reactionary, able to respond to a variety of different challenges without questioning their inherent value as a human being. In contrast, when people act out of alignment with their personal values, we often see the evidence of that in the quality of their relationships, mood, and general satisfaction with life. Taking a personal inventory of where your behavior is not in alignment with how you want to live your life is an important step in problem solving and navigating change.
